Trading Places
by Lyra Dogstar
Summary: Shuldig and Yohji make a bet that each of their assassin groups could survive in each other's places, where the only personal stuff they have in the clothes they're wearing. Random idea time, so R
1. Moving In

Author's notes: Well, I don't really know if this is a First or not. But I thought it would be fun to do a little parody on one of those stupid reality television shows. So Weiss and Schwartz are going to be switching lives, so to speak. I don't know, a little idea I got today, so it may or may not get continued.

Disclaimer: I really don't own anything except this bizarre idea……

@%@%@%@%@%@%

Weiss 

"Well, it's big enough."

The Weiss stood in the entry to Swartz's penthouse at the top of one of the tallest buildings in Tokyo. The hallway was white. And it was very long. When they stepped out of the doorway, their footsteps echoed.

"Let's open the doors, see where everything is," Omi suggested.

The other three nodded.

Ken opened one of the doors. "Well, I believe I've found Mastermind's room," he said. "That's where Yohji is staying, right?"

"Yeah."

"This one _looks_ like it belongs to Berzerk, but so does the other one," Omi said, looking confused.

"Berserk has two rooms," Aya said. "One to sleep in, and one for them to hang him up in."

"How'd you know that?" Ken asked.

Aya waved an envelope in the air. "They left a note, like they were supposed to."

"Oh, right."

"We should get some sleep," Yohji said. "We've actually got something to _do_ tomorrow."

The rest nodded. They all entered the room they were supposed to be "borrowing".

*  *  *  *

Schwartz 

"We're supposed to be staying _here_?"

"If you hadn't made that _stupid_ bet with Balinese, we wouldn't have to do this," Nagi said, looking extremely annoyed.

"I was drunk!" Schuldig said.

"The bedrooms are upstairs, boys," the old lady said, right behind them.

Crawford, who looked like he was about to say something, simply closed his mouth and nodded.

"We've got a day off from that stupid flowershop tomorrow," Farfarello said, scanning the letter from Weiss.

"Good, I need to go through Balinese's stuff," Shuldig said, "Make sure he has something suitable for me to wear."

Five minutes later, Shuldig came storming out of Yohji's room. "I'm not sleeping in there," he said. "It smells funny, and it's covered with pictures of Neu---I mean Asuka. I can't take it, with her staring at me like that!"

Crawford took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. This was going to be a long week.

@%@%@%@%@%@%@

Notes: Okay, not much yet. But I'll keep going (maybe).


	2. Getting Dressed

Author's notes: Wow……I didn't actually expect anybody to like this……

So, thank you to the following people that reviewed: RuByMoOn17, Shadoewhunter, …., FungiFungusRayne, Sonya, Sn, and Mei Hurasaki. I lurve all reviews I get!!

 Also, I'm gonna thank FungiFungusRayne, Neev, Misura, Coppelia, and Cookie6 for reviewing my other Weiss Kreuz story. (BTW, Neev, I understand the reasons for there never being a fic like that, but I also know that in my fanfiction, I am GOD!! (don't kill me, Farfarello………))

FungiFungusRayne: Did you guess about who was going to get what room? Because I was thinking the same thing: each person would get the room according to their "station" in the groups.

//this// means telepathy.

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Weiss 

"Wow."

The Weiss had found the Space Room.

Omi walked over to the computer against the opposite wall and tapped a key, taking it out of sleep mode. He was just getting into looking through it when Ken gave a slight cough.

"So, that's the only piece of furniture in here? A _computer_?"

"We should probably get changed," Aya said. "It's gotta happen _some_ time, because we're _not_ spending all week in the same clothes."

A few moments later, they were all in the sitting room (which was also white/cream coloured).

"Who _decorates_ this place?" Yohji asked, looking around and scowling. "The place has potential, but _still_."

"Okay, Aya," Ken said, walking out of Crawford's room. "Here's what you have to wear."

He held up a several garments that came out of the American's closet. "Cream coloured Armani, with a purple shirt, cream Armani with a purple shirt, cream Armani with a purple shirt, or………_look_! Cream Armani with a purple shirt!" Aya simply scowled as the rest of Weiss broke out into laughter.

"There's _got_ to be something different," Aya said.

"Well," Ken said. "There's a _white_ Armani suit, with white shirt," Ken said. "And I _think_ I saw a pair of black pants and white long sleeved shirt."

"Fine. I'll wear that."

"All Prodigy has are his school uniforms," Omi said, his brow wrinkled slightly. "I mean, he has a nice suit, but I think _that's_ for special occasions. Besides, his clothes are for somebody skinnier than me.

"You sure?" Yohji asked.

"Well," Omi replied. "I'll look again………"

Ken came out of Farfarello's room, holding a wad of clothes. "I am _not_ wearing this stuff. It's all _bondage_ clothes! And the only _real_ shirt is this white one!" he held up a white button-up shirt.

"Oh, but _Ken_," Yohji said, cheerfully, "There's always this _lovely_ pair of black leather………shorts………well, looks like you're screwed."

"Hey, Yohji," Omi called. "I think Mastermind likes, white pants. That's all he has………"

"Oh, man," Yohji groaned, trudging to Schuldig's closet to find some other pants. "Whatever happened to 'no white after labor day'?"

Aya came out of Crawford's room, one eyebrow raised. "His clothes are _way_ too big." He looked pointedly at his feet, where the pants were rolled up, as were his sleeves.

"Omi, are you colourblind?" Yohji asked, appearing in the doorway.

"No," Omi replied. "Why?"

"These pants," Yohji held up two pairs of pants. "Are blue, and these look _very_ green to me."

"Oh," Omi said. "Oops."

"I can't run in these things," Ken said, coming out of Farfarello's room, wearing his blue bondage pants. "Every time I try to take a long stride, the rope-thingy holds me back."

"I think that's the point," Omi said, who had taken a seat on the couch, enjoying watching his teammates struggle with dressing. "Have you tried taking them off?"

"Yes, and they won't!"

"I guess you have a problem then."

Ken walked out of the room again, just as Aya reentered, holding a pair of shiny, black shoes. Aya dumped the shoes in Omi's lap.

"Wow," Omi said, looking at the shoes. "I wonder if his feet can get any smaller without physically impairing him."

"You think _his_ feet are small," Yohji said, coming back out of Schuldig's room. "Look at _these_ things."

"You know, Omi, I don't see _you _getting dressed," Ken said, coming into the room. "Surely, you can come up with _something_,"

"I have. I just enjoy watching you three make a big deal out of this," Omi said, grinning.

* * * *

Schwartz 

"Come out," Schuldig said, in his sweetest voice, trying to coax a certain fifteen-year-old out of the washroom.

"No!" came the reply.

"Surely it can't be _that_ bad."

"I look like I'm wearing a _dress_."

"But that shirt looked really cute on the hanger," Schuldig said, grinning wider.

"Do I look like a hanger to you?" 

//Come on, Leib, come out// Schuldig tried.

The door creaked open, to show a very disgruntled Nagi. Not only that, but the telekinetic was wearing Omi's brown, lace-down, open-belly shirt.

"It doesn't look _that_ bad," Schuldig said in a very unconvincing voice.

"Say it," Nagi said. "I don't need to be telepathic to know what you're thinking. Just _say it_."

"It looks like a dress," Schuldig said, before finally bursting into laughter.

"What's going on?" Crawford asked, emerging from Aya's room.

"Nagi—" Schuldig stopped to catch his breath, but burst into another fit of laughter. Once he was able to control himself he said, "Nagi looks like he's wearing a dress."

Crawford looked around Schuldig, to see Nagi blushing, and his eyes popped out of his head. "You are _not_ wearing that in public," Crawford said, in that very annoying way parents do.

"Damn right, I'm not," Nagi said, pushing back into Omi's room.

"HELLO!?"

Both Crawford and Schuldig jumped, looking around for the source of the disturbance. They came across a tube coming out of the floor, and twisting into a horn, much like a trumpet's.

"What the hell?" Crawford said.

"Hey, some of us had these in Germany," Schuldig said.

Crawford studied Schuldig for a moment before saying, "I thought you couldn't remember your past?"

"Of course I can," Schuldig said, "I just don't like my name, so I lied to get out of telling you. Anyway, these are in the really old houses, and people talked into them from other rooms, so they wouldn't have to shout." Then Schuldig leaned down and shouted back into the pipe.

"Yes, Farfarello?"

"I found some clothes down here, and maybe Crawford could find his much-needed suit."

Schuldig walked into Aya's room and over to the closet. Indeed, there didn't seem to be anything suitable to wear in an office, but Schuldig kept on looking, until—

"Tell Farfarello we found something," Schuldig yelled out the door.

"You did?" Crawford said, entering the bedroom.

"Yup!" Schuldig held out what looked like a white military uniform. "And you don't have to worry about the pants being to short, because there's these lovely boots to go with it. _And_ you still get to make me salute you like this, _Mein Fuhrer_."

With that, Schuldig did an atrociously good Nazi salute. However and the look on Crawford's face, he lowered his arm, but didn't stop grinning. Crawford snatched the suit out of Schuldig's hand and shoved him out the door.

Nagi had emerged from Omi's room, wearing a blue shirt and green shorts.

"That kid is such a dork," Nagi said, scowling.

"That _kid_ is older than you," Schuldig reminded Nagi, sticking out his tongue.

"That _kid_ doesn't have a single pair of long pants. And all his pants have these loopy things."

"Those called suspenders, chibi," Schuldig said, raising an eyebrow.

"_Whatever_. And his shirts suck, _and_ he's got a ridiculous collection of _hats_. Although," Nagi said, pulling out an overlarge, fuzzy red sweater. "I rather like this thing."

He rubbed his cheek against the sweater for a moment, as Schuldig laughed. Finally, the German pulled the sweater out of Nagi's grip and pulled it over the boy's head.

"If you like it so much, Leib, you should _wear_ it," Schuldig said, giving the rare genuine smile as Nagi _almost_ grinned (because that's just not something Nagi _does_, is it?).

"Okay, Schuldig," Crawford said, coming back out of Aya's room in the uniform. "You can call me 'Mein Fuhrer', because I _do_ feel like Hitler now."

Nagi gave a small snort of laughter before burying his face in Schuldig's should. You couldn't hear anything, but his shoulders were shaking pretty hard. Schulig himself was ready to collapse in his own fit of laughter.

Farfarello came upstairs holding a bundle of clothes in his arms. "I can't wear any of these, they're dirty," he said, dumping a pile of Ken's clothes on the floor. Schuldig grabbed a shirt and smelled it.

"Ugh," he said, holding it at arm's length. "Has this guy ever heard of _deodorant_? What's he been doing?"

"He's a soccer coach," Nagi said, looking at the pile of clothes.

"I suppose you'll just have to find the cleanest dirty pants and shirt," Crawford said.

Nagi, Schuldig, and Farfarello spent a good hour categorizing Ken's clothes into "a little dirty", "dirty", "really dirty", "just smelly", "just stained", and "not really dirty, I-just-threw-it-in-here-because-I-ran-out-of-closet-space". Meanwhile, Crawford continued to look through Aya's clothes, dirty or not, trying to find a decent suit and tie. It took him a while, but he finally found a white shirt and navy pants and jacket. No tie.

It wasn't until he got it on that he remembered Aya was shorter than him.

"Schuldig," he said, coming into the hall where the rest of Schwartz was still going through Ken's clothes. "Does Balinese have a pair of black pants?"

"Dunno, haven't looked yet," Schuldig replied. "You can go look."

A moment later, Crawford reemerged from Yohji's room wearing a pair off much-better-fitting black pants, and Farfarello was pushed _in_ there to change.

"What did you give him to wear?" Crawford asked.

"Well, we figured that these black pants might be confining enough that he can't run very well in them," Nagi said. "And we kinda have to go on faith that he won't rip up this blue t-shirt that Siberian had."

Crawford mumbled something about it being impossible to have faith in Farfarello, but as he couldn't come up with a better solution, let it be.

Schuldig finally got the chance to go into Yohji's room to change for himself. He realized he didn't have any right to complain, as Yohji's wardrobe was considerable more extensive than the others', the clothes fit him, and they were actually clean. One complaint, though, was the fact that a good many of the Weiss man's shirts were belly-shirts. He _did_ manage to find a nice, dark blue button-up shirt, and some rather interesting jackets.

If _dressing_ was this hard, it would only get worse.

@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@

Author's notes: Wow. That was much longer than I intended it to be. I was going to put the room raids (as in, looking through each other's stuff) on this chapter, but it seemed long enough as it is. I think if they get this long again, I'll break it up so that one chapter is on Weiss and one is on Schwartz.

Would you believe that when I ran the spell-check on this, I had to press "add" every time I came across a name? Actually, I bet you people could, but it's a pain in the ass to me, so, you know.

NOW MAKE SURE TO REVIEW!!


	3. Roomraids: Schwartz

-Schwartz-  
  
Nagi stared in disbelief at the ancient computer he was expected to use. Surely this was some kind of a joke.  
  
"Hey, Bishonen!"  
  
Nagi turned in his seat to see Schuldig leaning against the doorframe.  
  
"What do you want?" Nagi snapped, turning back around. "And don't call me that."  
  
"Just wondering what kind of dirty stuff our dear, 'innocent' Bombay keeps in his room," Schuldig said.  
  
"Is it really our business?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Yes," Schuldig said. "After all, you have to live here."  
  
Nagi made no comment. He heard Schuldig cross the room, and watched out of the corner of his eye as Schuldig opened Omi's closet.  
  
Schuldig gave a low whistle, looking at the carefully colour-coded clothes. He examined the shoes, all well cared for. He looked in the top shelf, and gave a yell of triumph, pulling several magazines down.  
  
"Hey, Chibi, I guess Bombay isn't that clean, now is he?" Schuldig said, holding up one of the magazines. He then gave another soft laugh at the idea of Omi hiding these in his room, but put them back.  
  
"So, what're you looking at now?" the German asked, peering over Nagi's shoulder.  
  
"Bombay's ancient computer," Nagi said. "Look at it! It's only a 95!"  
  
Schuldig laughed again. "Well, that's all you have to work with, Bishonen. You know the layout for all the rooms are exactly the same. That is, save the little things like the fact that Bombay has a computer. They even have the windows in the same place."  
  
"Fascinating. Now go away."  
  
Schuldig gave a huff, but left. He really didn't feel like annoying Nagi that much. He had already tried this on Crawford, who told him to "piss off, unless you want to be thrown out the window". He honestly could only remember one time that Crawford made that kind of threat, and knew that he was dead serious (he had rather painful memories about almost dieing in a certain airplane incident). But Schuldig was bored, so as a last resort he went to the room Farfarello was staying in.  
  
The Irishman was sitting in middle of the room, the only spot that wasn't heaped with junk.  
  
"Holy...you know, I know you like searching through other peoples' stuff, but is making this much of a mess really necessary?" Schuldig asked, smirking.  
  
"I didn't do this," Farfarello said, "It was like this when I moved in. Crawford said I should clean it up, because he's always really anal about these kinds of things-"  
  
"Crawford's anal about everything."  
  
"-But I don't know where to start, and I'm not allowed to destroy anything."  
  
Schuldig grinned even wider. Now was his chance to dig through somebody else's room. "I'll help. It'll go faster."  
  
Farfarello knew that tone of voice. His partner was up to something. But since it was what he wanted, he didn't press the matter. Besides, Schuldig could be very fun, and God-hurting when he was up to something.  
  
Meanwhile, Crawford was in Aya's closet. He was picking clothes off the floor of it, and trying to colour-code everthing, much like in his closet; such a thing made everything much easier. He then paused, realizing that he had no idea what Schuldig was up to. He then decided that Nagi and Farfarello could defend themselves, and at least Nagi wouldn't let Schuldig do anything incredibly stupid.  
  
@%@%@%@%@%@%@% Author's notes: Schwartz gets first bidding in this chapter, since I need time to imagine what kind of rooms that they have. The whole next chapter gets to be Weiss, though  
  
A note about the last chapter: all the clothes that they tried on in the last chapter actually exist. I looked all over the Internet and found the most outrageous pics I could. One really good gallery (the one with Aya's military uniform in it) is at yueki.net/omi.  
  
Also, thanks to: BombayGoku, LoveyDoveyPink, Dark Jisushiku, Escurogarra, Shadoehunter, RuByMoOn17, AngelofNights, and Redtiger for reviewing (and sorry if I spelled your names wrong!)  
  
Redtiger: yeah, I know it's really AU. Somehow, whenever I write a story for an anime, it's something that could never, ever, ever, ever happen, but if it did, it would be really funny...or just really disturbing, like in my other fic, "Ex-models are Annoying".  
  
I know, I know, I made Ken a complete slob. But I figured one would be, and I didn't think it would be Aya or Yohji, and definitely not Omi, so...sorry to all you Ken-lovers out there! 


	4. Roomraids: Weiss

Notes: YAY!! I'm updating!! Really, I'm going to try to finish this story, but sometimes it's hard to think of things.

Dragon Mistress: This is such a parody of both Weiss Kreuz and Trading Spaces. But more Trading Spaces. Yeah, I guess I _did_ hint at Schuldig/Nagi, but it was completely unintentionally. I tend to make two people with their personality types act like they're closer. I know, I do the exact same thing with Harry Potter's Remus and Sirius, so………

Shadoehunter: Yeah, I realize I never DID explain what Omi did. I guess I can in this chapter, then.

I only got two reviews for the last chapter, from RuByMoOn17 and Dragon Mistress. I would really love to get more this time, if for no other reason than to keep my moral up.

Also, I tried to put a website up, but it didn't work. So let's try again. Yuekinet / homeland, just put a dot between Yueki and net, and delete the space between the slash. That SHOULD show pictures of all the clothes in my story.

* * *

Omi had finally put on the white pants and green shirt that he found in Nagi's room, and, like his Weiss counterpart, was clicking through Schwartz's files. Unfortunately for Omi, he hadn't been able to upgrade his computer to a 98 yet, so he was marveling at the speed and accuracy of the computer. He closed his eyes momentarily, sighing at the continuing bumping behind him.

Now, Omi is a nice guy. Everybody knows that. But there was only so much he could take.

"Ken," he said, turning around to the soccer player, who was kicking his ball against the wall repeatedly. "Could you take that somewhere else?"

Ken shrugged and left the room.

Meanwhile, Yohji was flipping through Schulig's address book, and calling every girl listed in there.

"Hello?" he said, as another girl answered. "May I speak to Ayaka?"

"This is she."

"Miss Ayaka," he said, "I wonder if you know somebody by the name of 'Schuldig'."

"I don't recall the name," Ayaka said. "Perhaps if you gave a brief description……"

"Tall, European, lots of red hair and blue eyes. He usually wears a green, double-breasted jacket."

"Oh, you mean _Christian_! He's such a hottie—for a Gaijin, that is. And talk about mind-blowing sex—"

Yohji slammed the phone down on the receiver, and sat stunned for a moment. He had heard quite enough from her to scar him for a while. And either Mastermind had given a fake name, or his _real_ name. Neither seemed like a great prospect.

"Yohji?" Ken asked, looking at his partner from the doorway.

"I just found out that I never want to talk to Mastermind's girlfriends again," explained Yohji.

Ken laughed, as Aya and Omi came up behind him.

"Well, that'll teach you to hit on every girl you meet," Omi said.

"You are such a fool," Aya said.

"I wonder how many of your girlfriends have been in bed with Mastermind, then?" Ken said.

Yohji fainted at the idea alone.

A little while later, Ken was sitting on Farfarello's bed. He had been staring at the dresser for some time. Finally, he got up to nerves to open it. He took out a white garment, only to realize it was a straightjacket. Out of curiosity, he slipped it on, feeling his arm hug around his waste. He then got the creeps and took it off again. He dug around some more. And he found a pair of handcuffs.

His mind was still in, "in the gutter" mode from Yohji's experience a while ago.

He fainted dead out.

*   *   *

Across Tokyo, Nagi sat on Ken's bed, watching his teammates sorting through Ken's stuff. He then said: "I hope that Siberian doesn't get the wrong idea about those handcuffs in Farfarello's dresser. It's just so hard to keep your hands off stuff sometimes, you know, Farf."

Schuldig gave an evil grin.

* * *

Notes: Well, what do you think? Please review, it makes me so happy ^_~!!


	5. The Flower Shop: Part One

**NOTE: THIS STORY IS CONTINUED BY MISSMOPPY.**

**Schwartz

* * *

**Schuldich listened to Nagi knock on his door repeatedly, trying to wake him up. Not that he wasn't already up and dressed. He just enjoyed teasing the chibi.

"Schuldich, get your bum ass out here," Nagi said in his usual monotone.

Only after Nagi threatened to get Crawford did Schuldich finally leave Yohji's room. Ignoring Nagi's slight glare, he happily went downstairs. Until he reached the bottom of the stairs and saw all the fangirls.

"What the hell is that?" Schuldich asked, turning back to Nagi.

"Customers," Nagi said, pushing past him. "I suppose."

Schuldich grudgingly got on an apron and started helping customers. After about five minutes of getting swamped by teenage girls Schuldich finally remembered he was a telepath and sicced all the girls on Nagi.

"All better," he said aloud to himself, once again ignoring Nagi's glare.

After helping a few real customers Schuldich noticed that Crawford was doing nothing but reading a paper behind the counter.

"Hey, why don't you have to help?" Schuldich asked. "That's not fair!"

"Management," was Crawford's only reply.

"How come you get to be management?" Nagi asked, ducking away from some of the fangirls.

"I'm team leader, that's why...and I claimed it first," Crawford said with a smirk.

"We'll get you later," Schuldich said, turning to help another customer.

"Why the hell did it have to be a flower shop?" Nagi asked, passing Schuldich to get to a row of carnations.

"Don't ask m--Farfarello! No!"

Nagi turned just in time to see Farfarello dive across the counter, where he had been in charge of the cash register, and try to attack a girl about Nagi's age.

Schuldich and Nagi grabbed Farfarello in mid-dive and turned to the girl.

"What the hell did you do!" Schuldich asked.

"All I said was "God bless you," honest!" the girl said.

"I would leave if I were you," Nagi said calmly.

The girl took the advice while Nagi and Schuldich tried to restrain Farfarello.

"Can we get a little help?" Schuldich asked, looking at Crawford.

"Management," Crawford said, flipping the page.

* * *

**Notes: Yeah, if you hadn't noticed this seems a little different from my usual style. That's because I had a friend write this chapter for me. MissMoppy was mad at me for not continuing. So I gave her permission. Danke!  
****  
Oh, yeah! I was going through my spell-checker with this for MissMoppy, and they tried to fix Schuldich's name. But what made it really good, was that they said it should be "Childish". How fitting.  
****  
Female Heero Yuyi: I know, I know, I know! I had a long, hard, ugly, ugly writer's block. I've been reading Weiss Kreuz and stuff to get back into the spirit. That, and my irl friends are ready to murder me sweatdrops.  
****  
Omi-chan: How did I come up with the idea? I am always thinking 'what would they think of this', and stuff. And I was watching the movie Trading Places, with Will Smith and that other guy. And thinking about, well, what if Schwartz and Weiss had to trade places. The whole, walk two moons in somebody else's moccasins, thing. I just wrote it. Unfortunately, my fandom has warped a lot, and this story is starting to change tone whenever I try to write it. And I don't want that to happen. Which is why I stopped updating for a while.  
****  
SilentWriter: Holy crap! You reviewed every chapter! Yay!  
****  
Meablie: I know. I misspell stuff all the time. I try to run a spell-checker, but it doesn't always catch them!  
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Shadoehunter: Where's Aya-kun? I dunno...I'll think of that .  
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RuByMoOn17: What took me so long? Hm...I'm not sure...HOLY SHIT! IT'S OCTOBER O.o! I haven't updated since Febuary! Gomen Nasai! (Same to all you others waiting so long!)  
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DragonMistress: Yeah. I came out of denial. Although my loyalties in Weiss Kruez run different from Schu/Nagi. **


End file.
